Manhattan Offender

50 Church Street

So the latest design for the Freedom Tower was revealed today.  Frankly, I'm more excited about the Century 21 expansion as I doubt I'll ever have a reason to step inside the Freedom Phallus unless there's a really hot store inside.

While some people are all into the details of the design, I frankly couldn't care less as the design takes a backseat to that hideous name:  The Freedom Tower.  It harkens back to the days of "Freedom Fries" and reasonates of the whole "They hate us because we're free" fallacy.  I think there are too many  economic, political, and religious aspects to be wrapped up to fit into that sound-bite burrito.

And while it is easy to naysay probably any name generated from the committees involved, might I suggest one:  50 Church Street.

Subway senses and offenses

The MTA is finally addressing the tragedy that is moving between subway cars.
Now if I paid attention to the report as I heard it on the cab radio (which of course I didn't) the fine will be $70 for moving from one car to another while the train is in motion.  The accused will not be fined;  however, if the move is done so that one can avoid an offensive odor no ticket will be written. 

Which is totally subjective.  Will excessive use of Clinique Happy or Davidoff Cool Water (or any 'layered' fragrance) be included?  What about excessive old-people smell?  The smell of odd hair product?

Why is smell the only sense allowed offense?  What about hearing an overloud baby?  Seeing too much pink on body types that don't support it well?  Touching a piece of flesh that is just too chunky?  And of course the sense of taste.  What if you just know, in your heart of hearts, that there are simply people that are more in tune with your sense of taste in the next car.

Luckily, the rules don't go into effect until October 1 so there is time for necessary modifications.

Pride, what a shame

So everyone's been all "Where are you?" on me lately. It's not cool to disappear during Pride Weekend. Everyone assumes you're grinding your teeth, in a loop from Rauhofer to Vasquez, sunglasses on, and introducing yourself to everyone as 'Crystal Hayes'. But no, the Offender did something truly original for Pride Weekend. It involved drugs and the anus, but not in the traditional Pride Weekend kind of way. The Offender caught himself a viral infection of the intestines.

How hot is that? 102F to be exact. How long is that? 3 days. Did it make you shoot? No, but I shat, and often.

So instead of reporting back all of the things the Offender did for Pride Weekend, I can only report back the things I did not do:
- I did not make repeated "Billy Graham? Oh, I thought you meant Billie Gram, my trannie drug dealer." jokes.
- I did not attend the parties I was invited to at the Archive Building and thus did not wish a Happy Pride upon one newly famous resident or her boyfriend.
- I yelled not one "You go girl!". But, boy, did I go.

Crackety Crack Crack

Finally, a paper covers, er, uncovers, the resurgence of crack in New York. 
I used to be ridiculed for my persistent crack "problem".  My connection to crack is genetic though, I simply have a tiny ass; no matter how much I work the glutes, I will alway have crack issues. 
But at least for now it's trendy.

Sephora throws gay pride drag-tacular

Sephora, the Starbucks of 'beauty', is throwing a huge gay pride event in Union Square right now!  My assistant insisted we go collect a goody bag at this party 'celebrating' the opening of their newest store ever.  Thousands of drag queens
and a smattering of gay men are in attendance with long lines for products of all sorts.  It's wonderful that the community can come together in the spirit of free shit.

Oh.  Wait.  Closer observation reveals the drag queens to be actual females, palette-faced with newly made faces, glowing in the excitement of their beauty bounty.  And the gay men are, well, gay men.

I'll let you have the Cosmo, but the Girl?

If my camera hadn't been broken at a party in Tribeca last week (which you really need to replace, Mr. Offender), I would have such an image to share.  At a subway station I was passed by a woman in her late 40's, probably a size 14-Petite (Manhattan Offender's first job out of college was a Dresses Manager at Macy's) with vibrant lipstick (let's call it 'Wild Raspberry') and that hair color that is sort of black, sort of deep magenta.  She would have passed under my radar were it not for her black sleeveless tee -"Have you been kissed?" with a Cosmo Girl logo.

I sort of love it when marketing strategies are turned on their ear.  Especially when it's just by the action of a woman on her way to work, throwing her hand in the drawer and pulling out her daughter's tee.

Meanwhile, go here to support Nicole Richie.

Sinners on parade

Well, Gay Pride is back in the city this week, meaning that sin will be on parade down Fifth Avenue. Not just general sin, but very specifically Pride. I was staring at my "Seven Deadly Sins" shower curtain and considered how unfair it is that Pride gets a gay parade, yet the other sins are woefully neglected. In the name of equality, couldn't all of the sins get their very own gay parade? Seven sins and seven days of the week? Homos love synergy!

MONDAY! Gay Pride - Start the week with the traditional, "I'm okay, you're okay, but what's her problem."
TUEDAY! Gay Envy - Geffen as Grand Marshall while a bunch of working class mo's try to figure out if what Geffen's wearing is available at Century 21.
WEDNESDAY! Gay Gluttony - Power-bottom, crystal pig-sluts Unite! This one can be a masquerade parade as all will be anonymous, as in Alcoholics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, Sexual Cumpulsives Anonymous.
THURSDAY! Gay Lust - Just cover Fifth Avenue with black plastic, lube it up and let the fun begin. Sponsored by Wet!
FRIDAY! Gay Anger - We're some of the best protesters out there. Bring out the signs, the banners, and, oh yeah, the whistles. Must have the whistles!
SATURDAY! Gay Covetousness - This one doesn't need to go all the way down Fifth. Gucci, Fendi, etc. provide all this day's parade needs.
SUNDAY! Gay Sloth - All that parading around makes you just want to order brunch in. Even the biggest mythological gay of all rested on his seventh day.

The Cat, the Rat, the Rabbit, and the Bat(h)

Manhattan was just a wild kingdom this past weekend. 
SIGHTED!  Cat poops on man at Folsom Street East!
SIGHTED!  Rat (apparently vegetarian) at Zen Palate!
SIGHTED!  Rabbit in the basket of seemingly normal looking cute guy's bike!
SMELLED!  Bat(h) so very needed by the guy sitting next to me at Batman! 

Random Times

As I was crossing the corner of 23rd and Park, a truck was unloading several hundred copies of the new New York Times 'Marketplace' tabloid.  An older man who came from a truck handed several large stacks over to a tall young guy - apparently the 'hand-off' guy (who was way cuter than the cootie-festered guy that is always throwing a Metro at me in the morning).  After handing over several bundles, he handed over 4 loose copies, telling the younger guy:  "Okay, now these are the ones with the free Metro cards.  Hand them out, you know, like, random." 

Tragedy, As Seen on Television

Unlike the reporter that wrote the story for the Daily News, I'll reserve judgement regarding the case of performance artist Kerry Skarbakka, who emulated people jumping to their deaths as did many on September 11, 2001. 

The one line that did get me in the story:  "It was such a tragic event for me," he said. "I was in Chicago and I watched it all on television."  It makes me wonder what his thoughts were when Katie Couric had her colonoscopy done live and on the air.  Did he 'feel' that one, too? 

Don't get me wrong, I watch television, too.  It was such a tragic event for me when Bo Bice was beaten by Carrie Underwood on American Idol ...