Manhattan Offender

Astoria walking tour: holiday 2005

As 2005 soon becomes a number we mistakenly write and type for a month or two, just a quick last shout to the holidays. The houses of Astoria are always festooned for the holidays to varying degrees of beauty and vulgarity. As someone who will probably never own a 'home' with a 'yard', who knows if my own yard would ever look as such. But as a lover of excess, my props go out even if it is just for making an effort. Take the tour.

Happy New Year.

The Manhattan Offender Workout Plan

184 is not a magic number.  It is the number on the scale that tells me that the holidays have taken their toll.  The threshold has been crossed where my shirt must stay on at the club.  The only good thing about 184 is that my jeans are not falling off as two lumps have formed which are apparently called an "ass".  And although this feature is nice addition to the package, it cannot exist in a world also occupied by a "belly" and "sad titties".

None of this is surprising as the gym has been bypassed of late and the sampling of goodies at holiday parties has been ample.  It's simply a process that happens every year as the winter hibernation period proceeds.  Other agenda items take precedence over personal vanity leaving body hair untrimmed, muscles depleted, and calories stored rather than burnt.

When 184 rears it's ugly head though, vanity is resurgent.  Enter:  The Manhattan Offender Workout Plan.

Is it professional and doctor approved?  No.  Does it work?  Like a charm.

1. First step is to trim (not shave) the assorted patches of hair, taking me to 183 almost immediately. 
2. A visit to iTunes is essential to put together the workout mix, which will no doubt include Princess Superstar's "I'm Perfect", the M.I.A./Madonna mix (thanks Scott) and some Avenue D (thank Avi).  No Lonnie Gordon necessary (um, thanks Rich).
3. Next stop is the gym with an hour of cardio and an hour of weights with yoga thrown in if I can find it.  Spinning is a class that has always been theoretically appealing, but the crowd inside is usually filled with odd personalities.  (Note to self:  cancel a gym membership in 2006.  You are not muscled enough or wealthy enough to explain memberships to two gyms.  Yes, looking at the same people gets boring, but deal with it.)
4. No matter the amount of exercise, what you put in your body is important as well.  On a regular basis you can 'eat healthy' but in order to be shirt-free for Victor Calderone at CroBar New Year's Day, you have to turn to the experts.  Vanna White has a great tip to always leave food on your plate, whether you are hungry or not; your hunger will fade, but those fat cells will not.  Dolly Parton for years has recommended that if there is something that you are just craving, take a big bite of it, and, instead of swallowing, just discreetly deposit the tasty morsel into a napkin.  You can find more celebrity diet tips here.
5. One of my biggest secrets is to consume something to which you are highly allergic.  In my case caffeine works magic to expel anything just eaten through the system. 
6. A pamphlet that was given to me once listed not allowing food to actually touch one's lips as a way to eschew the pleasure of eating (and keep the lip gloss enduring as well).  After reading it, that tip was incorporated immediately.  The name of the pamphlet?  Let's Talk Facts about Eating Disorders.
7. And, of course, there is always the supermodel method .

By Friday, using a combination of the above the number on the scale will be 179.  If I were to continue, 172 (my optimal weight, unless beefed up, which is about 178) would be achievable by January 10.  My methods work, but are so totally bad for you.  It's merely a crutch to push down to a weight that is more manageable.  Then you can go about that whole "eating a balanced diet and regular exercise" razzmatazz.

Perfunctory Brokeback Mountain post

After seeing article after article about the movie for the past several months, it was with little surprise that I paid my ten and change to see Brokeback Mountain last night.  As it was a known quantity that Ang Lee never disappoints (Hulk being an aberration), an effort was made to not read much of the write-ups, as surprise is highly valued. 

In the appreciation of this value, don't look for details of the movie here, as it is better to let the experience wrap around you.  The strength of the storytelling here is that you are shown much and told little, more effectively bringing you into the story.  In short, the recommendation is to not wait for the DVD and to see this now.

As the credits began to roll, the biggest surprise for me was the blooper reel my companions were out of their seats and ready to go just as Ang Lee's name appeared on the screen.  Being a total wreck in public is never one of my goals, but here I was, coming out onto Third Avenue, sniffing and wiping my eyes. 

To smoke or not to smoke

Being away for the holidays and being with a two and five year-old for the weekend have encouraged a cessation of smoking.  The cigarettes were in the car, and at one point the excuse of walking the dog was made to go out and smoke.  Arriving at the car though, the internally posed question was, "But, why?" 

On one side:

• Smoking does me no good physically.  My father died this year of a smoking-related cancer.  Heart disease and cancer run rampant on both sides of my family.  It's cutting into the cardio portion of my workout as well.
• A mouthy friend announced at 2 a.m. in the Offender household:  "I love hanging out with you guys, but hate the fact that I smell like an ashtray when I leave."
• Cigarettes just feed corporate coffers.  Most cigarette companies contribute to conservative candidates - not the acceptable "small government" conservatives, but the hideous religious-fanatic  conservatives.

On the other:

• Almost everyone in my circle smokes.  Which, now that it is written, isn't all that true.  Very few actually do.  Regardless, smoking is social.  Offering someone a light is a communal thing.  Similar to that nod that women with really good nose-jobs give one another.
• There is no easier way to bow out of a tedious conversation than to excuse oneself for a cigarette break.  It's simply more acceptable than, "Standing here with you for any extended period of time will cause me to state what I really believe, which is that you are a dullard."  Excusing oneself to the bathroom on such a frequency starts rumors of either bulimia or drug-abuse, not that they haven't been heard before.
• Gaining just one pound is unacceptable.  Most often the reason for a cigarette is hunger.

Regardless of the decision, it is mine and mine alone.  No support is expected from anyone and, rest assured, none will be given in my group of friends.  Already, after just a few days, my sense of taste and smell have improved.  (Smell unfortunately returned while at the Joyce Kilmer Service Center bathroom along the Jersey Turnpike.)  Lung function and circulation are supposed to improve after two weeks, which will be just in time as the weight will start gaining and necessitate a return to the treadmill.  The other improvements over time include sinus clearing, decrease of coronary heart disease (which killed my grandpa at 60) and decrease of cancer risk (which killed my dad at 62).

Although there will be no dramatic resolution to quit smoking or the ancillary "final puff" or similar bullshit, there will be two promises if the cessation of smoking is started:

• I resolve not to be one of those bitter ex-smokers that complains about the smoking of others.  Unless of course you of course blow it right in my face, which gives me the right to pass gas in your presence. 
• I resolve to carry a lighter around with me, as it is still incredibly sexy to light someone's cigarette.

Why does it take seven hours to get from DC to NYC?

And to all a good night

For the next several days we'll be on a military base in Virginia.  Best wishes for the assorted holidays .... 'mo

Here comes the train again

Typical.  Just as a new skill is acquired, the need for that skill is removed.  In this case, the skill was navigating the streets and avenues to avoid traffic jams, and success was mine.  This morning we left the house just before eight, picked up a friend and one stranger to make our quota of four, navigated over the bridge and downtown.  My passengers were dispatched and the car in the garage just after nine.  Traffic was, in fact, pretty much not bad after some trouble spots were identified in the previous days.

With transit workers seemingly going back to work, these new skills are for naught.  Add this to the fact that we will be out of town as of tomorrow morning and this brief episode will just be a fading memory soon.  All the drama and the hype were easily composed human-interest stories in the press.  Perhaps in retrospect, some analysis will be done as to how the situation was able to devolve to a strike. 

In celebration of the trains restarting though, we certainly hope that everyone will don their white furs and panties to celebrate.  Although we'll be in a car heading for someplace called Virginia (yes, there is a Santa Claus), we'll try to dress as close to same as possible.

Who is the villain of the transit strike?

It seems that press coverage has been biased against the union. Where is the outrage against Kalikow? Is it just that the MTA has a better PR team than the TWU? My opinion is obvious here, but I am curious to read what others think.

There arose such a clatter

Waking up to find the christmas tree sprawled across the floor?  The ornaments, all gifts from friends throughout the year, scattered beneath the eight foot beheamoth?  The Barbie 2003 Annual Edition Ornament's hand severed from her wrist, yet her eyes beam on, defiant of her obvious pain?

It's finally beginning to feel a lot like christmas!

Gee, thanks ...

Um, I'm nominated for another "Best this-or-that of 2005" award. You can vote here. These types of things tend to be won by people who post voting reminders and send e-mails to friends reminding them to vote. More of a People's Choice Award than a Nobel Prize. But winning is always cool. I hadn't really looked at the other place that I'm nominated until just now, but apparently I'm not exactly winning. (You can vote for that too if you like.)

For 2006, I'm trying to avoid the promotional stuff and to focus on content. If people read it - cool. If not, like, their loss, you know? More on this ... soon.