184 is not a magic number. It is the number on the scale that tells me that the holidays have taken their toll. The threshold has been crossed where my shirt must stay on at the club. The only good thing about 184 is that my jeans are not falling off as two lumps have formed which are apparently called an "ass". And although this feature is nice addition to the package, it cannot exist in a world also occupied by a "belly" and "sad titties".
None of this is surprising as the gym has been bypassed of late and the sampling of goodies at holiday parties has been ample. It's simply a process that happens every year as the winter hibernation period proceeds. Other agenda items take precedence over personal vanity leaving body hair untrimmed, muscles depleted, and calories stored rather than burnt.
When 184 rears it's ugly head though, vanity is resurgent. Enter: The Manhattan Offender Workout Plan.
Is it professional and doctor approved? No. Does it work? Like a charm.
- First step is to trim (not shave) the assorted patches of hair, taking me to 183 almost immediately.
- A visit to iTunes is essential to put together the workout mix, which will no doubt include Princess Superstar's "I'm Perfect", the M.I.A./Madonna mix (thanks Scott) and some Avenue D (thank Avi). No Lonnie Gordon necessary (um, thanks Rich).
- Next stop is the gym with an hour of cardio and an hour of weights with yoga thrown in if I can find it. Spinning is a class that has always been theoretically appealing, but the crowd inside is usually filled with odd personalities. (Note to self: cancel a gym membership in 2006. You are not muscled enough or wealthy enough to explain memberships to two gyms. Yes, looking at the same people gets boring, but deal with it.)
- No matter the amount of exercise, what you put in your body is important as well. On a regular basis you can 'eat healthy' but in order to be shirt-free for Victor Calderone at CroBar New Year's Day, you have to turn to the experts. Vanna White has a great tip to always leave food on your plate, whether you are hungry or not; your hunger will fade, but those fat cells will not. Dolly Parton for years has recommended that if there is something that you are just craving, take a big bite of it, and, instead of swallowing, just discreetly deposit the tasty morsel into a napkin. You can find more celebrity diet tips here.
- One of my biggest secrets is to consume something to which you are highly allergic. In my case caffeine works magic to expel anything just eaten through the system.
- A pamphlet that was given to me once listed not allowing food to actually touch one's lips as a way to eschew the pleasure of eating (and keep the lip gloss enduring as well). After reading it, that tip was incorporated immediately. The name of the pamphlet? Let's Talk Facts about Eating Disorders.
- And, of course, there is always the supermodel method .
By Friday, using a combination of the above the number on the scale will be 179. If I were to continue, 172 (my optimal weight, unless beefed up, which is about 178) would be achievable by January 10. My methods work, but are so totally bad for you. It's merely a crutch to push down to a weight that is more manageable. Then you can go about that whole "eating a balanced diet and regular exercise" razzmatazz.
