With society becoming more and more medicated, it would seem that there would be a pill for everything, but the pharmaceutical companies keep putting out more of the same. Sleep-deprived. Shy. Flaccid. Cranky. Anxious. Flaccid. ... Flaccid. You're covered.
Now it's time for some pills we can really use:
Remembritol: Tired of forgetting what you did during that little binge? Tired of hearing your drunken friends repeat the same conversation? Problem solved. In combination with large quantities of alcohol, Remembritol stimulates the memory sensors of the brain instead of suppressing them. You claim to be a shameless drunk, so prove it, with Remembritol.
Toler-8: Do your facial expressions allow people to see what you are really thinking about them? Are you constantly fighting the upturned eyebrow/nostril combination that reveals your hating on of others? Toler-8 relaxes the musculature of the facis hatin muscle group allowing you to think whatever you like with no one knowing any better (or worse).
Nohenot: If you are assuming that every man you pass on the street, or in the gym, or on the train, or at your office is totally gettable, then Nohenot is for you. Nohenot suppresses the gaydar center of the medulla oblongata substituting the "hetotallyis" signal with the "ohmaybebutwhocares" signal. (May prove less effective in combination with Cialis.)
Emotiblok: Are the smiley, frowny, and kissy faces that you mastered in the chat rooms of yore finding their way into your business correspondence? Did you end a PowerPoint presentation with a winky? Emotiblok affects the ocular nerves and the spleen so that every time you enter an emoticon inappropriately your eyes will send a message through the brain, sending a sharp stabbing pain to the spleen. Emotiblok, your colleagues will thank you.
Savitgurl: Talking constantly? Announcing your every move and thought? Friends tired of self-centered conversations with you? Savitgurl motivates your constantly firing neuons to connect with fingers instead of the lips. Prescription comes with a LiveJournal membership.
Pill pic by Bryan Servante.
