Manhattan Offender

The Manhattan Offender Interview: Eyal, the entrepreneur

Number eighteen in a series.

1. What's your secret to staying so beautiful?
   It is difficult to explain, but sometimes in the middle of the night I feel myself getting a little bit more beautiful. I swear, this one time, in the middle of the night the force of the beauty was so violent that it shook me awake. It was so seismic the next day the neighbors complained. It's powerful stuff.
2. Is it true what the tabloids are saying about your relationship?
   It's true I am a happily married man. Literally after years of being such a slut, it was natural to come out with my own personal lube at the age of 24. Well, last April I found my dream man, it's amazing what the power of love can do to tame the urban slut.
3. This new project of yours is certainly taking everyone by surprise. Tell us about it.
   Check it. Spring 2006. "You Won't Believe it's Not Boy Butter". A project years in the making, it was painstaking trying to attain perfection on the worlds first Water Based Cream. Totally revolutionary, not only will this be hands down the best condom safe lube in the world. Sexual penetration will never be the same. Ever. Ev-er.
4. Who are you wearing?
   I’m wearing a Liger print by Mugatu.
5. Would you ever do a role that required nudity?
   Nudity is mandatory in my job. Especially with all that quality testing the state requires me to do. It’s the law.

You can learn more about Eyal at Boy Butter.

The caffeine routine

Routines can sneak up on you and suddenly you're in a rut.  A recent rut for me was the daily Diet Coke for lunch, but don't get me wrong.  Diet Coke is adored here with the only problem being that, well, caffeine causes an allergic reaction in me.  Trace amounts are no problem, but there is a certain threashold that essentially throws my digestive tract into turmoil.

The allergy was first detected while in the midst of college finals, downing cup after cup of coffee.  What starts as stomach pain eventually turns into gastric spasms that essentially feel like Courtney Love playing guitar on the intestines.  In addition to the pain, there is the accompanying, um, cleansing of the gastic system both from above and below.  The first time in the emergency room was passed off as food poisoning.  The second time in the emergency room that same week though brought an analysis of consumption.  Consequently, every time coffee or soda or large amounts of chocolate were taken in, the allergy again took hold.  Eventually, the caffeine-free route was taken with only minimal intake.

Over the years, my ability to measure my body's capacity for caffeine has improved.  The big secret is that because my intake is so minimal, when I do indulge, a really nice wiry buzz takes hold.  Recently, as work has become stressful and since they would detect wine on the breath, the daily Diet Coke at lunch has been getting me through the day.  If anything, my recommendation is to knock caffiene in order to enjoy this buzz for yourself as it's really quite lovely.

But today, the daily lunch buzz is unlikely to improve my situation, so a new alternative was sought out.  7-Up Plus, Island Fruit flavor is maybe the best new (non-alcoholic) beverage to touch my tongue in quite a while.  Assuming that, of course, this was my discovery, it was, of course, googled, and, of course, it's been around for a while. 

With ads featuring Sex in the City and Desperate Housewives minxes, the guess is that it is marketed to the ladies.  And although the commercial with Marcia Cross and Nicollette Sheridan has seen my screen many times, the oddity of the thing distracted me from what was being sold.  The taste is light, slightly tart, and actually refreshing.  It lacks the over-carbonation that is often found in sodas, and it is only 10 calories.

So now my routine is broken and a choice will be made every day at lunch:  Do I get refreshed or do I get wired?

Breakfast burrito

• Quote of the day:  "Snap!  You've just been transported to Junior Vasquez-era Twilo!"
• Are your tax dollars helping to jail gays in Afghanistan?
• Wake him up before you go-go.  Actually our props to George Michael for not playing some victim-y "I have a problem" card.  His actual quote?  "It's my own stupid fault."
• If you are gay and retired do you really want to spend all of your free time writting M-A-S-S-A=C=H-U-S-E-T-T-S?
• Morning Math:  Katie Couric + Kimora Lee Simmons = Monstrosity

Montana Mondays: Indognito

Being a celebrity dog has perks, but sometimes Montana just wants to go out in public and not be recognized.  Sometimes it is easier to disguise herself as a lower scale celebridog, like Hillary Duff.

Breakfast burrito

• This is the episode of Oprah that needs to happen.
• How could you not vote for a candidate named Luxuria?
• Did you send Jason West an anniversary card?
• How do you say "Who let her in here?" in British?
• Don't make us bring out the gay bodyguard squad, because Dolly will always have us on her side.

It's more than just comics, but there are a lot of comics

Even Wonder Woman couldn't have handled crowd control at the New York City Comic-Con held this weekend at the Javits Center.  Even after closing off new ticket sales, thousands were still turned away or waited in long lines trying to reach the convention floor.

Just a bit of craftiness though was enough to land my handbags for the day, web-comic creator Chuck and Chino, along with me on the convention floor surrounded by art and artists, collectibles and collectors.  After the jump lots of four-color magic.

Weekend ketchup

• Coming soon to a limewire near you.  The Colin Farrel - Tatum O'Neal sex tape.
• Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is named Diana, which is in no way related to Diane.
• Slowly but surely, Kylie is coming back.  (Via Pink Is The New Blog)
• If your Mexican food contains ketchup you are so white trash, or, um, German.
• Forget Ciara, is that Elizabeth Hurley?  J'adore.
• Big Brother never really caught on in the U.S., but Norway seems to have figured it out.
• And lastly, Spongeback Mountain:

Comics Convention shopping list

The first ever New York Comic-Con will be cluttering up the Javits Center all weekend with tons of costumed folks mingling with fans of costumed folks.  The ambience, a cross between islamic fundamentalism and pure camp, is catching and mystifying at the same time.  The show opens to the public today (4-8), and is open Saturday (11-7) and Sunday (11-6).  A mix of comics, manga, and game industry writers and artists will be joined by celebs promoting the career-crucial comic-related film (such as Milla Jovovich).

More important than any of the above though is the shopping.  The floor of the convention center becomes a walk-through eBay center.  You too can decorate your home in a John-Waters-meets-Conan-meets-Boba-Fett style.  After the jump, some of the items for which my eye will be searching.

Adventures in doggysitting

One of the pitfalls of owning a dog is needing someone to watch the dog when you are out of town.  Montana, perfect angel that she is has many uncles and aunties to choose from when we take the (too rare) trip out of town, but not everyone is so lucky.

For the past week the Offender household has hosted Ms. Rascal, a doberman-rottweiler mix.  Ms. Rascal is no Montana, lacking the charm and grace that Montana has achieved over the years.  Despite their friendship as pups, the two are not getting along well, with fights occurring over who gets to use the dog-bed, lay on the couch, and receive any attention in general. 

The skirmishes always begin in the same way.  Ms. Rascal will be doing something that she thinks is quite special (such as sitting in the dog-bed) and Montana will glance at her and walk toward her, tail wagging.  Rascal's hackles will rise, her gut will issue a growl, and then she will bare her teeth and basically come for Montana.  Montana's reaction?  "In my house?  Oh. No. You. Didn't.  Bring it, bitch!"  The two go at it far worse than Mariah and Evil Mariah ever did.

Usually these cat-fights are curbed before they ever really begin, with a stern "ladies" issued by Fang or me, but as we cannot be everywhere all the time sometimes they go at it like two high-school girls pulling out chunks of dry over-permed hair over who stole whose tuna-melt.  These battles require yanking both by the scruffs of their necks away from one another.  An accomplished dog-owner, my left and right arms are usually skilled enough to do this on my own, but Ms. Rascal chose not to relent just recently.

Since pictures of physical injury can be off-putting, we'll put that after the jump with the aftermath.

Is Santino Rice designing for Sasha Cohen?

As Fang was watching the women's ice skating short program of the Winter Olympics, occasionally an image on the screen would catch my eye and attention.  To be honest, Sasha Cohen's name would draw a blank from me had it not been for her appearance on Project Runway.  Her outfit last night seemed evocative of some things that I had seen before.  The extra frills and embellishments in the skirt teamed with the asymmetry of the top to really set off some bells.

Who else uses lots of extra embellishment? 

Who else likes to use asymmetrical lines?

Who could that be?

Say it with me now ...