How to properly lose your wallet

Losing your wallet is easy, but doing it properly requires some effort.

1. Reject current fashions.  By rejecting the current deep pocket of the popular, yet unflattering, baggy cargo shorts, you can more easily have the wallet slide out of the shallow, yet slimming pockets.
2. Planning is everything.  By losing your wallet at the beginning of Saturday,  on the way to meet some friends on Long Island a nd later Fire Island, you can totally maximize the impact of the loss.  Additionally, banks and lost and found departments are closed on the weekends so you can ensure your paralysis until Monday.
3. Ride public transportation.  Riding the subway and sitting in the comfortable seats is a great way to nudge your wallet out of your pocket.  Be sure not to check your pocket until you are well out of the station.  When you tell the booth attendant of your loss, they will let you back into the station, but your train will be long gone.  Dejectedly ride back home, and re-plan your entire weekend.
4. Make the necessary calls.  In your rush to cancel your credit cards, be sure to call 800-555-1212 to get the numbers that you need.  Don't worry about writing down the numbers, just do it from memory.  And once you've called American Express (800-528-4800) and you've fully explained your situation to the friendly voice that answered the phone, don't buy their whole line of "Sir, this is 'Feed The Children (800-528-4820)'."  They're just playing with you.
5. Realize who is profitting off of you.  American Express will rush a card out with a UPS shipment of your card to your office for Monday arrival.  Citibank, where your debit card is held, doesn't promise anything until at least seven business days, although you can go to the branch, which is closed because it's the weekend.
6. The mayor should know about it.  Call 311.  They're really the nicest, most compassionate people in your life at the moment.  Make a note to meet and date a 3-1-1 operator.  Especially the one that took your call with that amazing voice and a desire to take care of all your troubles.  Avoid the temptation to say, "Thanks, daddy" when the call is near it's end.
7. Remember that Peter Kalikow runs an antiquated system.  Once 311 gives you the number of the lost and found for the MTA (212-712-4500), expect nothing once you can call them.  (They're not open on the weekends.)  Reject the impulse to be be nasty or sassy when you call on Monday to learn that items lost over the past weekend will not be "in the system" for at least another week.  Accept the fact that the woman on the other end of the line has a full schedule of disappointing for the day and that you are keeping someone else from their disappointment by delaying her.
8. Get the word out.  Measure your friendships by those who automatically reach in their pocket and offer you cash, food, drink, other consumables and/or sex versus those that offer you mere condolences.  Add this information to your ManHunt profile.
9. Luxuriate.  Chances are that your wallet will come back to you in the mail within a week or so, probably without any cash in it, but back nonetheless.  This is your chance to have a weekend sitting back, enjoying video-on-demand, and partaking in the kindness of friends and strangers.