Manhattan Offender

Season, Over

The Fairy Schedule

Tired of toggling between the LIRR screen and that poorly designed ferry screen?  Finally someone did something about it!  The Fairy Schedule shows which train connects to which ferry in both directions. 

Link: The Fairy Schedule | Fire Island Pines.

Hat-tip:  Daniel Nardicio

Soap opera slasher moves characters to romantic Fire Island where they have a romantic anniversary, and restaurant reservations

CBS soap As the World Turns has two recurring gay characters, Luke and Noah.  Apparently they don't receive enough camera time and some fans have written some extra adventures for the couple.  Most recently, the two lovers have had a romantic getaway to Fire Island Pines, that "tropical island".  Enjoy!

Link: Fire Island Pines - Luke and Noah Wiki.

Open letter to anyone else awake on Fire Island

1.  By any chance are you home and awake and in possession of light brown sugar?  Dark brown will do in a pinch.
2.  By any chance does the pantry in the Grove open any earlier than that in the Pines, as I'll totally walk it.
3.  How does this well-equipped kitchen have three types of garlic presses and not one mixer?
4.  How does this well-provisioned pantry have two types of anchovies and no brown sugar?
5.  Am I the only homo that bakes in the world?
6.  Am I the only one that wakes up before the sunrise and jaunts to the roof to catch it?

The Fire Island Listening Project: Don't say, "bumps" Say, "toots".

Suddenly it's summer again, which means eavesdropping and reporting back from Fire Island Pines to learn how the gays function.  All dialogue based on real conversation.

ACT 1, SCENE 2

EXT.  SAYVILLE FERRY STATION

A chilly wind sweeps over gays standing in line to purchase and tickets for ferry to The Pines.  CANVASGAY and LOGOGAY stand in a semi-huddle bracing against the wind.  HOODIEGAY approaches them, smiling and waving an iPhone in his hand.

LOGOGAY:  Oh.  Migod.  You got it back.

HOODIEGAY:  I'm all, like, laughing and crying at the same time.  The other drivers couldn't help me, but I got the number for the dispatch center.  Karen - the driver (we're friends now) - stopped at a hardware store, and totally found it right in the seat where I was sitting.

LOGOGAY:  You tipped her, right?

HOODIEGAY:  Ten.  God.  Should I have given her more?

CANVASGAY:  Those are cute pants, but if the pockets won't hold your phone ...

HOODIEGAY:  I know.  I never think about pocket depth when I'm shopping, but I really like them.  Look at my ass.  Varvatos.  [Looking toward the bar/restaurant area]  I'm ready for a drink.

CANVASGAY:  Oh, and it's freezing.  Should we bring our bags?

LOGOGAY:  This crowd wouldn't be seen with your bag.  I'll stay outside though.  Get me a vodka/cran.

[CANVASGAY and HOODIEGAY head indoors, saying wide-eyed "hey"s and "hi"s to assorted gays on the way.  After ordering drinks and socializing, they head back outside.]

CANVASGAY:  Where the hell is Tad?  I'm all two-fisted.

HOODIEGAY:  He's over there by that silverdaddy.  Um.  So, listen.  Do I owe you some money?  Did you make any purchases?

CANVASGAY:  No.  I couldn't, but my guy is coming out on the eleven o'clock tomorrow morning.

HOODIEGAY:  The season really has started.

CANVASGAY:  I know, right?

HOODIEGAY:  But what if I want a couple bumps tonight?

CANVASGAY:  Bumps?

HOODIEGAY:  I've been up since six, so ...

CANVASGAY:  Don't say, "bumps".  Say, "toots".

HOODIEGAY:  Toots?  Cute!  Tootsie.

CANVASGAY:  [Striking an English accent]  Tuts, tuts, tuts.

[LOGOGAY approaches.]

LOGOGAY:  Everytime I come out to Fire Island, I find out a co-worker is gay.  [Takes vodka-cranberry cocktail from CANVASGAY.]  Ooo.  Perfect timing.  We're boarding!

There is noise as the gays waiting in line reconfigure and adjust for boarding.   LOGOGAY, CANVASGAY, and HOODIEGAY board the Fire Island Clipper, finding seats in the middle front.  CANVASGAY searches for his cell phone.

HOODIEGAY:  That RING-tone!

CANVASGAY:  [To phone] Hel-lo?  Sweetie?  Hello?  [Pocketing phone.]  I missed his call.  He's going to be so pissed.

The engines start and settle into a low hum in the boat.  Suddenly a clatter of noise comes from near the doors.  SWEATSHIRTGAY, SWEATERGAY, and CARLOTHEBLIND enter the ferry and head for the middle front. 

CANVASGAY:  Oh.  Migod! 

SWEATSHIRTGAY:  Your god?  My god!  Have we got a story for you.

END ACT I, SCENE II
TO BE CONTINUED ...

 

The Fire Island Listening Project: It's not gay; it's pretty.

Suddenly it's summer again, which means eavesdropping and reporting back from Fire Island Pines to learn how the gays function.  All dialogue based on real conversation.

ACT 1 SCENE 1

INT.  PENN STATION, LONG ISLAND RAILROAD TERMINAL
In the Friday afternoon hustle-bustle of Penn Station, three figures stand out in the crowd.  Named after their jackets HOODIEGAY, LOGOGAY, and CANVASGAY, the shortest of whom is six feet tall, each have two large pieces of luggage, and cell phones posted at their ears.  One carries a bag from McDonald’s. 

LOGOGAY points toward Track 21 and the other two follow down the stairs and, after some hand-gestured deliberation, choose seats.  HOODIEGAY and CANVASGAY end their conversations, pocketing their respective iPhone and Samsung Glyde phones.

CANVASGAY:  "He yelled at me."

HOODIEGAY:  "He's a yeller.  All architects are.  They can't handle pressure and then they start yelling.  Which is why I don't date architects.  Ever."

CANVASGAY:  "But there was no reason to yell."

HOODIEGAY:  “He missed the train.  He’s carrying those bags, and he’s got the dog.”

CANVASGAY: “My poor blind doggie.”

HOODIEGAY:  “But it’s not like he’s alone, right?  He left work with Barry?”

CANVASGAY: “He was yelling at him too.”

[LOGOGAY puts down a Blackberry 7100 and picks up a Blackberry Curve and begins typing. CANVASGAY’s phone rings.]

HOODIEGAY:  “What’s that gay noise?  [Turning to LOGOGAY] And why do you have two phones?”

LOGOGAY:  “One’s for work, and one’s for play.  I don’t combine the two.  Are they still fighting?”

HOODIEGAY:  “It’s not a fight.  Rigo is just, uh, expressing himself.  You know how the Latinos are.  Everything is passionate.  [Looks down at a vintage Rolex.]  He’s going to be really passionate in about a minute.  Make that now.  The door’s are closing.  [Turning to CANVASGAY] Vinny.  [Waving hand in front of CANVASGAY’s face] You can tell him he missed the train.

CANVASGAY:  No.  I can’t.  He hung up on me.

HOODIEGAY:  What’s done is done.  He’ll catch the next train and catch up when we transfer.

LOGOGAY:  No.  He won’t.  This is an express to Babylon.

HOODIEGAY:  It will all work out.  [Reaching into McDonald’s bag]  Here.  Eat your sammich.  What are these anyway?

CANVASGAY:  I just feel bad because he’s bringing the dog and Carlo is a lot of work.

LOGOGAY:  Carlo the blind dog we’ve heard so much about?

CANVASGAY:  My baby Carlito.  He can’t help …

HOODIEGAY:  It’s bad enough I’m eating McDonald’s, but it’s worse I’m eating alone.  Eat, Vinny.  You want a bite, Tad?  What are these?  They’re delicious.

CANVASGAY:  Southern style chicken sandwich.  Fried chicken on a simple buttered bun and pickles.  It’s like a picnic.

HOODIEGAY:  Ugh.  I’m having my fattest summer ever, for sure.  Whatever they’re using for butter flavor really sticks with you.  Wonderful.

CANVASGAY:  I’m just dreading my phone ringing again.

HOODIEGAY:   Me too.  You have a gay ringtone.

CANVASGAY:  It’s not gay; it’s pretty.

END ACT 1; SCENE 1
TO BE CONTINUED ...

The Fire Island Listening Project: She done

Last summer saw me eavesdropping on and reporting back from Fire Island Pines.  Gawker isn't running "And the Brand Played On" again this summer, but with "the season" rapidly coming up, it's time to re-visit the concept.  The following originally appeared September 10, 2007.  All dialogue 100% verbatim.

EXT. THE HARBOR OF FIRE ISLAND PINES
The Sunday afternoon crowd stands in a line stretching far back onto the Fire Island Boulevard boardwalk. Assorted gays stand in the line with a variety of shapes and styles of luggage waiting for their ferry home. Three Asian-American men in their late twenties stand in the queue. BAGGAGEGAY stands with a red Victorinox wheeled duffel, two Trader Joe's shopping bags and a Victorinox Vertical Deluxe Travel Companion slung around his neck over the opposite shoulder. With him are BOREDGAY, wearing an over-sized white tee and light blue Adidas basketball shorts, and EXCITEDGAY, wearing a tight white tank and G-Unit "Soul Stars" plaid shorts.

EXCITEDGAY One more picture!  Me and you, honey!  Here, take this. (Hands a black MotoQ phone to BOREDGAY and stands with BAGGAGEGAY.)

BOREDGAY
Take off your purse.

BAGGAGEGAY
(Shooting a perturbed look at BOREDGAY.)  It's not a ...

BOREDGAY
Just take it off.  It's making your tits look uneven.

BAGGAGEGAY removes the Travel Companion.

EXCITEDGAY
Cheeses!  (Turns to BAGGAGEGAY.) Are you sure you have to go? The weather's so nice now, and yesterday was so bad. There's still a couple hours of good sun left. And we got those really nice salmon steaks from Citarella. Dinner?

BAGGAGEGAY
Then I'll have drinks at dinner. And then we'll go to Tea. Somehow I'll be calling the office to say I'm running late on Monday. I can't do it this week. We've got market coming up and everybody is running around like crazy already. Trust me, I'm tempted.

EXCITEDGAY
And you're not coming out in September?

BAGGAGEGAY
That's my busiest month, sweetie.  I've had my fun, and I'm done. 

EXCITEDGAY
Just come out in September at least once.  It's more mellow and less party-party, I promise.  You paid for it!

BAGGAGEGAY
I really can't.  Really, really can't.

BLONDEGAY passes the three, carrying bags from The Pines Pantry, stops and approaches EXCITEDGAY.

BLONDEGAY
Tell me you three are not leaving.

EXCITEDGAY
No.  Just Johnny.

BLONDEGAY
Oh, well, okay then.  (To BAGGAGEGAY.)  Have to go, huh?  Well ... bye! (To EXCITEDGAY.) And I'll see you later! (He scampers off.)

EXCITEDGAY
Such a queen.  (Nods.)  Love.  And we should go, too. (To BOREDGAY.) We should get mixers and chips while we're in town.

BOREDGAY
I didn't bring my wallet.

EXCITEDGAY
I have my card.  (To BAGGAGEGAY.)  You okay here?  We should really go.

BAGGAGEGAY
Yeah, go, I'm fine.  Really, I'm fine.

EXCITEDGAY gives and extended hug to BAGGAGEGAY.

EXCITEDGAY
And we're going to look at houses for next year tomorrow. Maybe we'll find something. I'll send you pictures if we do. I can't believe summer's already over. What happened, right?

BAGGAGEGAY
I'm not even sure about next summer, but send the pictures.  I should have it all figured out soon.

EXCITEDGAY gives a second hug to BAGGAGEGAY.

EXCITEDGAY
Okay then.  Call me when you get home!

BOREDGAY
Later.

As EXCITEDGAY and BOREDGAY walk away, BAGGAGEGAY pulls an iPhone from his Travel Companion and begins reading e-mail and text messages. EXCITEDGAY and BOREDGAY sashay past a round bench in the middle of the harbor.

Seated on the bench is RHYMESWITHHOMO, wearing floral-print Paul Smith sandals, gray Penguin mid-calf shorts, a navy American Apparel "summer tee", Oliver Peoples "Voltaire" sunglasses and a patterned navy Triple 5 Soul painter's cap. He writes in an Ampad Reporter's Notebook with a Pilot Fine-Liner pen. Putting down the pen, he tips down the sunglasses to reveal riveting steel blue eyes that stare directly into the AUDIENCE. After an uncomfortable pause, he speaks.

RHYMESWITHHOMO
She done.

 

The Fire Island Listening Project: Beware the backpacker

Last summer saw me eavesdropping on and reporting back from Fire Island Pines.  Gawker isn't running "And the Brand Played On" again this summer, but with "the season" rapidly coming up, it's time to re-visit the concept.  The following originally appeared August 24, 2007.  All dialogue 100% verbatim.

EXT. FIRE ISLAND PINES PAVILION NIGHTCLUB

The Saturday night/Sunday morning 3 a.m. new moon sky is extra dark, lit only with an abundance of stars. The only light comes from what is also the primary source of noise in the still night: Pavilion. Outside a variety of gays presides. Some sit at wire mesh tables, smoking and chatting. Others stand in groups while others walk seemingly aimless through the night.

A group of gays wearing assorted low-rise jeans and no shirts sit at a table barely touched by the outside lighting. All are in their early thirties. MARLBOROGAY and PARLIAMENTGAY glow in the dim light, their muscular bodies pink-tan and glistened with sweat. SMOKELESSGAY sits with them, with comparatively thin and pale.

MARLBOROGAY (Lighting a Marlboro Light) Do you want a cigarette?

SMOKELESSGAY
You know I don't smoke.

PARLIAMENTGAY
(Smoking a Parliament Light.)  Sometimes you do.  Last weekend.  Posh.

SMOKELESSGAY
I smoke when I do coke because I get fidgety.  Is JAMES still inside?

MARLBOROGAY
Yeah, he's dancing with that older guy.  He totally loves those ... Look at that.

PARLIAMENTGAY looks toward the door of the nightclub where ADIDASGAY exits and jaunts past their table wearing tight silver Adidas sweatpants with red stripes. After passing the table he begins to walk quickly down the boardwalk.

ADIDASGAY  (Yelling into the night.)  José!  ... José!

PARLIAMENTGAY
Wish my name was José.  Damn!

MARLBOROGAY
You and your Latino obsession.  Oooo.  Oh!  Some sweat just rolled down my back and somehow got into my asscrack. Nice.

SMOKELESSGAY
(Begins to stand up.)  I'm going to go find JAMES.

PARLIAMENTGAY
Sit down and leave him alone.  If he hooks up with that guy then I've got a room to myself tonight.

MARLBOROGAY
And if he brings him home, you're sleeping on the Aerobed, sweetie.

PARLIAMENTGAY
First of all, older guys are supposed to bring you home. They should be to the point where they either own a house or can at least afford a share where they aren't sharing a room, or a bed. And don't forget - Ozone. No one wants to walk to our fucking house. It's just too far. Oh. Look at that one.

PARLIAMENTGAY looks toward BACKPACKGAY, standing near the exterior stairs.

SMOKELESSGAY Latino.  Probably 23 at most.  And look - a backpack.

MARLBOROGAY
He's homeless, Jacob. Missed the last ferry. Probably on purpose. And thinks he can just find someone to spend the night with because he's semi-hot.

PARLIAMENTGAY
Semi?  Look at that ...

MARLBOROGAY
No backpackers.  No, no, no, no, no.

PARLIAMENTGAY
Are you sure JAMES is still in there?  What if he already left with that guy?

MARLBOROGAY
You know he'll be in there until the very last song, making out on the dance-floor. He's probably in the middle of the floor groping that old daddy.

SMOKELESSGAY
He was at least 45.  His chest hair was, like, grey.  We should go in.

ADIDASGAY emerges from the darkness of the boardwalk and passes the table and jaunts back into the nightclub.

PARLIAMENTGAY Guess he didn't find José.  Let's go in.

The three leave their table and enter Pavilion. Outside, BACKPACK gay begins making out with another gay, shirtless with low-rise jeans.

 

The Fire Island Listening Project: Of misogynists and men

Last summer saw me eavesdropping on and reporting back from Fire Island Pines.  Gawker isn't running "And the Brand Played On" again this summer, but with "the season" rapidly coming up, it's time to re-visit the concept.  The following originally appeared August 16, 2007.  All dialogue 100% verbatim.

EXT. FIRE ISLAND PINES HARBOR
The Saturday noon ferry has arrived to the harbor and streaming onto the dock are new arrivals. DAYTRIPPERS arrive with umbrellas, coolers, and backpacks, often with glimpses of swimwear visible under low-waisted cargo shorts. RESIDENTS and HOUSEGUESTS bring assorted luggage and bags from Trader Joe's and Whole Foods. Standing in the harbor is an assortment of GAYS, a few of whom wait to board, but most of whom await new arrivals.

LILLYGAY stands wearing a white oversized vee-neck teashirt and Lilly Pulitzer "Crabby Pants" swim trunks. With him is ETROGAY wearing a pink tank top and Etro striped trunks. Both point and wave to HOUSEGUEST who approaches them, drops a Barneys shopping bag filled with food and a canvas Jack Spade coal bag, and joins in a group hug.

HOUSEGUEST Oh, hi. Hi! I like that shirt on you. I like that color. It works well with your dark hair.

LILLYGAY
How are you?

HOUSEGUEST
Near perfect.  How've you been, sweetie?

ETROGAY
Well, I just saw you yesterday.

HOUSEGUEST
Oh, I know.  I mean how was last night?

ETROGAY
Last night?  We went over to Coconut Grove.  Underwear party.

HOUSEGUEST
Coconut Grove?

ETROGAY
Yeah. Kind of a hike, but it was a nice walk on the beach back. It was super dark out.

HOUSEGUEST
You mean Cherry Grove.

ETROGAY
Oh. Why do I always call it Coconut Grove?

LILLYGAY
Scary Grove.

BIOLOGICALWOMAN approaches the three and points to the ferry.

BIOLOGICALWOMAN Excuse me? Is this the ferry, right here?

LILLYGAY
Don't you remember coming in on it? Yes, yes. Get right on.

OTHERGUEST passes by with OTHERRESIDENT.

OTHERGUEST I would have made the eleven o'clock, but I had a long night.

OTHERRESIDENT
With Tommy and Mikey?

OTHERGUEST
No, no. I had bought a bunch of "stuff" for the weekend, but let's just say I don't have any more.

LILLYGAY and ETROGAY have been joined by four FORTIESGAYS wearing a variety of print board shorts and swim trunks and shirtless for a quick bout of hugs and hellos. "Brunch," "pantry," and "blueberries" can be overheard.

HOUSEGUEST Are those all your friends? I didn't know you had older friends.

LILLYGAY
(Points to the giant looming Pavilion nightclub.) Thursday night we were in the bathroom over at that place.

ETROGAY
At High Tea.

LILLYGAY
Yeah, whatever. And I was like, "We need dinner." And these two old guys were in there and said, "We have dinner. It's a catered meal!"

HOUSEGUEST
You left with them?

LILLYGAY
Turns out it's some kind of birthday party. There was all kinds of port wine and asparagus and rice pilaf. And everybody there was really wasted. It was great.

HOUSEGUEST
Really?

LILLYGAY
It was so upscale.

HOUSEGUEST
Really.

ETROGAY
The guys were super-friendly.

HOUSEGUEST
Really. I want to meet them.

LILLYGAY
Oh, God. I don't even remember their names. Is anyone else coming out?

ETROGAY
I don't know if Snaps is coming or not. But I'm starving. I haven't eaten since last night.

LILLYGAY
Liar!

ETROGAY
What?

LILLYGAY
Liar! I saw you eat breakfast.

ETROGAY
Well, I did eat the rest of that pumpkin cake. That was nothing.

LILLYGAY
Liar, liar! It was two pieces! I don't know how you do it.

HOUSEGUEST
I brought lots of food, but nothing brunchy. I'm starving.

LILLYGAY
Well maybe you and Chubz here can wait for those birthday boys but I need to catch some rays. I've got PowerBars back at the house.

As the three walk away from the harbor, BIOLOGICALWOMAN is running toward the now departing boat, an iced coffee sweating in her hand.

 

The Fire Island Listening Project: Media matters

Last summer saw me eavesdropping on and reporting back from Fire Island Pines.  Gawker isn't running "And the Brand Played On" again this summer, but with "the season" rapidly coming up, it's time to re-visit the concept.  The following originally appeared August 7, 2007.  All dialogue 100% verbatim.

EXT. BAY BAR
The Sunday noon crowd at Bay Bar consists of those running in and out to get iced coffee products and those sitting at tables enjoying iced coffee products. VISORGAY, wearing olive drab cargo shorts and a navy mesh Nike visor, sits with TANKGAY, in olive drab cargo shorts and a robin's egg blue tank. They are at a prime table overlooking the harbor and the boardwalk that runs along it. Across the water, unidentifiable shrieks can be heard.

VISORGAY What is that noise?

TANKGAY
It's a kid.

VISORGAY
No, it's a dog.

TANKGAY
What kind of dog?

VISORGAY
An unhappy dog.

TANKGAY
I'll take an unhappy dog over an unhappy kid.

VISORGAY
What is with all the kids this year?

TANKGAY
I don't know, but they're everywhere.

VISORGAY
(In a radio announcer voice.) It's Kid's Day every Sunday in Fire Island Pines. That's right. Kids drink free.

TANKGAY
(Laughs.) Bring your kid and get a free bottle of WET!

NASTYPLASTY hops up the stairs and into Bay Bar. He wears over-sized sunglasses and thermal shorts with the words "Nasty Plasty" on the elastic band. They are cut off at the calf. The thermals are covered by leopard-print running shorts.

TANKGAY
Look at her!

VISORGAY
(In an affected Kimora Lee Simmons-esque accent.) She has got it going on!

TANKGAY
Obviously has a need to be the center of attention.

NASTYPLASTY darts in, comes out with an iced coffee product, and then runs down the stairs. At the same time a group of MIDDLEAGED GAYS in assorted polos and reading glasses gets up from a back table. They leave a stack of newspaper and magazines behind. TANKGAY goes to the abandoned table and takes the reading material to his table. TANKGAY takes the Economist; VISORGAY takes Time Out New York.

TANKGAY I never actually read this. I just listen to the podcasts while I'm on the treadmill. Sometimes I have to really pay attention because of the accent.

VISORGAY
The podcast is in British?

TANKGAY
Yeah. The other day. What was it? Oh. (Affects a British accent.) The American performing ah-tist, Fifty-Cent. Fiv. Tay. Cint. I'm like, "It's Fiddy. Fiddy!" (He looks at VISORGAY's Time Out.) Before I moved to New York, I used to think that was the best magazine.

VISORGAY
Which one?

TANKGAY
The one you're reading. When I lived outside New York, it seemed like a lifeline, but now I think it's just awful.

VISORGAY
Maybe it's because you live here now. Hmm. No. I think it's gone through a little downfall. Now it's just useful. It's a tool.

TANKGAY takes a Blackberry Pearl out of his pocket, and pushes several buttons.

TANKGAY My sister's kid. Modern. Can text message with the best of them. Told me about something his dog did.

VISORGAY
That's too much info. I read the first sentence of any text message and then I almost always just delete it.

TANKGAY
No wonder my phone isn't working right. All that downloading.

VISORGAY
Exactly. Delete, delete.

BOTH thumb through sections of Sunday's New York Times.

TANKGAY (He looks at The Week in Review section.) Do you know anyone in Minneapolis?

VISORGAY
No. Well. (Closes one eye and knits brows.) I don't know. I don't think so.

TANKGAY
Me either. It's cold there.

VISORGAY
It's cold here. Right? It's cold today.

TANKGAY
You probably got a little sun on your run. Did you bring your shirt?

VISORGAY
No. (He rubs his chest and very slightly tweaks his nipples.) I like the attention.