Manhattan Offender

Grammy's Live

7:46 Omigod, we're doing a tailgate party for the Grammy's? Awesome.
7:48 Kanye West has a girlfriend? And she's taller than him? Hot.
7:50 Hey, I ordered a burger, not fish. Oh, that's just Seacrest, floundering.
8:00 Um, where's Madonna? I thought there would be monkeys. Okay, rappers. But where's Madonna?
8:03 Oh there she is. Wait ... she left. But there's Stuart. Corset!!!! Live singing ...looking kind of Kylie, right? Good riddance to those puppets. Ooooo. Dancer's from Rize! But, um, wasn't this better at the MTV Europe Awards. Ugh. Where's my beer? Mariah is in the audience all like, "I would have done a bit more." Room votes - 5 for, but just because it's Madonna.

8:09 Alicia Keys got skinny. Is it the ProActive? But she has a zit. Huh.
8:10 New Orleans reference count - 1.
8:13 "Don't be putting spit in my harmonica, girl."
8:14 Bump watch. Kelly Clarkson? Oh, wait, she's, like, nice. And real. Aw.
8:17 Huh? Who died? Who are these people? Cold Playas. Room votes. 3 for, 2 against.
8:25 The color just went out on John Legend. Maybe it's on purpose. Why not sepia tones? And who is this? The mute button was just hit. Room votes. 0 for, 5 against.
8:29 They need to caption these country artists. What? Albee just recommended that the clown from the Apollo come and take this lady off the stage. That's mean. I need to know her name to decide if I like her. Okay. I don't. Room votes. O for, 5 against.
8:31 Yay for Merle Norman Haggard.
8:33 When is Project Runway starting. Because they need to make over this Alison Kraus thing.
8:42 Isn't Vertigo, like from 2002? Or does it just seem that way. That's what happens when you oversaturate your song in a commercial. Where's Mary? Oh, there she is doing her Princess Leia thang. Oh, sorry, Frida Kahlo. My bad. This is not good. Mary J, why'd you let them do this song in their key. You are a prominent black woman. You should be in charge. Room vote. 2 for, 3 against.
8:48 Kanye, kanye. The look is just all over the place. His publicist is Gay? His stylist is obviously not.
8:56 Because of booze. Because of jews. Because of flus. Because of news. Because of boobs. Because of lube. Because of cooze. Because of mews. Because of ... ews. No, really, ew. This makeup. This dress? Where's my beer.
9:00 Bump watch. Gwen Stefani. And that palatable junky from Green Day. Wait? U2 is still considered rock? Maybe Adult Contemporary Rock? And ...
9:04 New Orleans reference count - 2.
9:09 Paul Mutecartney. Room too involved in conversation about chode to vote.
9:17 Jennifer Love Hewitt and the Black Peed Eyes. Old friends, we're sure. Kirsty Ally looks fantastic.
9:26 Mariah. Where you been? Guess those measurements. 38/32/45 38/37/38 38/29/45 36/28/45 and one queen is on the phone.
9:29 Mariah has the best microphone of the night. Some dude in the audience keeps interrupting her.
9:32 Terri Hatcher. Dress by Croscill. Makeup by Batman. Body by Crack.
9:34 This room is squealing for Kelly Clarkson. But not me. She said the J-word and the G-word. Oof.
9:44 The show is still on, but we're so very busy here.
9:47 Is that Cheech or Chong?
9:50
9:57 John Legend in Helmut Lang. Some guy in a confederate army hat. Josh Stone in a Mexican blanket. Fantasia shows leg. Some Williamsburger Happy Mea. Ciara shows the can, can. Getting ... overwhelmed ... too many people ... on the stage. High notes. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! Sly Stone!!!!!!!!!
10:15 Hotties! LL Cool Jay-Z and Bizkitcan. What? Him again?
10:24 Tom Hanks. Not a fan. And that hair is not helping.
10:30 Destiny Childs. Together, but not singing. So you know they are not giving an award to Mariah and so U2 wins. Lala. Blah. Blah.
10:35 Mariah in commercial is better than Mariah live.
10:39 Okay Kanye. Stop me from switching to Project Runway. HHHHHHHHHHHHoooooochies!!!!!!!!!!! THIS should have been the opening act. Sorry, Madge. Kanye did a costume change; what's your excuse.
10:55 Christina Aguilera. Woman. "Britney, can you hear me?" Damn, yes.

11:00 Um, this isn't over. And we're out of wine. Another half hour could kill us all.
11:07 Apparently you are required to hug the woman with the red flower in her hair.
11:10 Corset by GoodYear. But the makeup is flawless.
11:20 Kanye wants it so badly. But U2 gets it.
11:22 End it already.
11:24 Heidi Klum is calling...laterz.

Live-blogging the Grammys

Really have no idea what the term live-blogging means? Don't look here for an explanation, but an attempt will be made tomorrow night; the laptop is left live as some of my favorite haters come over to watch the proceedings. The catchers glove will be up trying to catch the snark as it flies.

Madge is opening with some animated kids number. (I know who the Gorillaz are; I just don't get them, okay?) And Prince and Beyonce will be channeling the SNL skit Prince Show. Following is a list of the nominees. For the sake of disclosure, my choices are in bold. Categories that are beyond my understanding have not been listed.

RECORD OF THE YEAR

• "We Belong Together," Mariah Carey
• "Feel Good Inc.," Gorillaz Featuring De La Soul
• "Boulevard Of Broken Dreams," Green Day
• "Hollaback Girl," Gwen Stefani
• "Gold Digger," Kanye West

ALBUM OF THE YEAR

• "The Emancipation Of Mimi," Mariah Carey
• "Chaos And Creation In The Backyard," Paul McCartney
• "Love. Angel. Music. Baby.," Gwen Stefani
• "How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb," U2
• "Late Registration," Kanye West

SONG OF THE YEAR

• "Bless The Broken Road"
• "Devils & Dust"
• "Ordinary People"
• "Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own"
• "We Belong Together"

BEST NEW ARTIST

• Ciara (she’s new?)
• Fall Out Boy
• Keane
• John Legend
• SugarLand

BEST FEMALE POP VOCAL PERFORMANCE

• "It's Like That," Mariah Carey
• "Since U Been Gone," Kelly Clarkson
• "Good Is Good," Sheryl Crow
• "I Will Not Be Broken," Bonnie Raitt
• "Hollaback Girl," Gwen Stefani

BEST POP PERFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP WITH VOCAL

• "Don't Lie," The Black Eyed Peas
• "Mr. Brightside," The Killers
• "More Than Love," Los Lonely Boys
• "This Love," Maroon 5
• "My Doorbell," The White Stripes

BEST POP VOCAL ALBUM

• "Extraordinary Machine," Fiona Apple
• "Breakaway," Kelly Clarkson
• "Wildflower," Sheryl Crow
• "Chaos And Creation In The Backyard," Paul McCartney
• "Love. Angel. Music. Baby.," Gwen Stefani (great for lifting)

BEST DANCE RECORDING

• "Galvanize," The Chemical Brothers Featuring Q-Tip
• "Say Hello," Deep Dish
• "Wonderful Night," Fatboy Slim & Lateef
• "Daft Punk Is Playing At My House," LCD Soundsystem
• "I Believe In You," Kylie Minogue
• "Guilt Is A Useless Emotion," New Order

BEST ELECTRONIC/DANCE ALBUM

• "Push The Button," The Chemical Brothers
• "Human After All," Daft Punk
• "Palookaville," Fatboy Slim
• "Minimum-Maximum," Kraftwerk
• "LCD Soundsystem," LCD Soundsystem

BEST ROCK PERFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP WITH VOCAL

• "Speed Of Sound," Coldplay
• "Best Of You," Foo Fighters
• "Do You Want To," Franz Ferdinand
• "All These Things That I've Done," The Killers
• "Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own," U2

BEST HARD ROCK PERFORMANCE

• "Doesn't Remind Me," Audioslave
• "The Hand That Feeds," Nine Inch Nails
• "Tin Pan Valley," Robert Plant
• "Little Sister," Queens Of The Stone Age
• "B.Y.O.B.," System Of A Down

BEST ALTERNATIVE MUSIC ALBUM

• "Funeral," The Arcade Fire
• "Guero," Beck
• "Plans," Death Cab For Cutie
• "You Could Have It So Much Better," Franz Ferdinand
• "Get Behind Me Satan," The White Stripes

BEST FEMALE R&B VOCAL PERFORMANCE

• "1 Thing," Amerie
• "Wishing On A Star," Beyoncé
• "We Belong Together," Mariah Carey
• "Free Yourself," Fantasia
• "Unbreakable," Alicia Keys

BEST TRADITIONAL R&B VOCAL PERFORMANCE

• "Mine Again," Mariah Carey
• "Summertime," Fantasia
• "A House Is Not A Home," Aretha Franklin (love this song)
• "If I Was Your Woman," Alicia Keys
• "Stay With You," John Legend

BEST R&B SONG

• "Cater 2 U
• "Free Yourself"
• "Ordinary People"
• "Unbreakable"
• "We Belong Together"

BEST R&B ALBUM

• "Illumination," Earth, Wind And Fire
• "Free Yourself," Fantasia
• "Unplugged," Alicia Keys
• "Get Lifted," John Legend
• "A Time To Love," Stevie Wonder

BEST CONTEMPORARY R&B ALBUM

• "Touch," Amerie
• "The Emancipation Of Mimi," Mariah Carey
• "Destiny Fulfilled," Destiny's Child
• "Turning Point," Mario
• "O," Omarion

BEST RAP SOLO PERFORMANCE

• "Testify," Common
• "Mockingbird," Eminem
• "Disco Inferno," 50 Cent
• "Number One Spot," Ludacris
• "U Don't Know Me," T.I.
• "Gold Digger," Kanye West (sort of a theme song)

BEST RAP/SUNG COLLABORATION

• "1,2 Step," Ciara Featuring Missy Elliott (twelve-step, what?)
• "They Say," Common Featuring Kanye West & John Legend
• "Soldier," Destiny's Child Featuring T.I. & Lil Wayne
• "Numb/Encore," Jay-Z Featuring Linkin Park
• "Rich Girl," Gwen Stefani Featuring Eve

BEST RAP SONG

• "Candy Shop,"
• "Diamonds From Sierra Leone,"
• "Don't Phunk With My Heart,"
• "Hate It Or Love It,"
• "Lose Control,"

BEST RAP ALBUM

• "Be," Common
• "The Cookbook," Missy Elliott (just barely beating Mr. West)
• "Encore," Eminem
• "The Massacre," 50 Cent
• "Late Registration," Kanye West

BEST REMIXED RECORDING, NON-CLASSICAL

• "Fever (Adam Freeland Remix), " Adam Freeland, remixer (Sarah Vaughan)
• "Flashdance (Guetta & Garraud F*** Me I'm Famous Remix)," Joachim Garraud & David Guetta, remixers (Deep Dish)
• "Mr. Brightside (Jacques Lu Cont's Thin White Duke Mix)," Jacques Lu Cont, remixer (The Killers)
• "Superfly (Louie Vega EOL Mix)," Louie Vega, remixer (Curtis Mayfield)
• "What Is Hip? (T.O.P.R.M.X.)," Meat Beat Manifesto, remixers (Tower Of Power)

BEST SHORT FORM MUSIC VIDEO

• "Lose Control," Missy Elliott Featuring Ciara & Fat Man Scoop
• "Feel Good Inc.," Gorillaz Featuring De La Soul
• "Feels Just Like It Should," Jamiroquai
• "God's Will," Martina McBride
• "World On Fire," Sarah McLachlan